My New Therapist

It's almost three o'clock in the morning and I cannot sleep.

I started therapy on Wednesday and one of the things my new therapist asked of me was how I sleep. I've recently been sleeping slightly better, so I told her fine. I told her that I do not sleep well, but I was probably getting about six hours a night. I told her that I wake-up a lot though.

Now, I've been an insomniac since I was sixteen years old. Probably younger than that. But, it was at that age that I really realized there was something wrong with the way that I slept.

But, because I had a good week, I chose to lie to my therapist so that I wouldn't jinx it.

How is therapy going to work, if I am lying to my therapist about my sleeping patterns? It's completely ridiculous.

I am going to the free therapy at school.

This means that the therapist is an intern. She is a grad student.

She is younger than me and I think she is a lesbian. She is a tiny little girl with very short blond hair, a funny nose and glasses.

I don't think I'm going to be able to tell her anything I need to tell her about my thoughts.

But, I suppose free crappy therapy is better than no therapy at all.

So, I'm stickin' with it.

I mean, I know it's not supposed to be easy. But, I wanted a man therapist. An older man, maybe around fifty or so. Someone I could talk to about MEN.

And I get someone who I would bet money on her being a lesbian.

And I am not a betting kind of girl.

So, instead of me talking to her about a million things that have been bothering me with regards to the ending of my last relationship and the things I found myself doing while in it....I talked to her about stuff that I'm actually sort of okay with. I mean, not totally. But, just stuff that is NOT the things that are taking up all the time in my head and making me crazy.

I mean, seeing her is definitely not going to hurt things and will help some other things. But, it will NOT help me to fix the things that I really need to fix, cos I know I'll never talk to her about them.

I mean, at first, I thought it went really good, cos I felt great because I had ACTUALLY went and did this thing. This thing I've been saying I'm going to do for ages and ages and have not done and was so proud of myself and now it's been a couple days and the euphoric pride has worn away and I'm realizing that I am not sure I can ever talk to this poor girl.

I'm not giving up hope, however. I mean, I may have just thrown her for a big ol' loop when I first sat down with her and when she goes back to think about how to approach me maybe she'll be different. I don't know.

But, I know that if she isn't the type to say too much, then all I am going to have to go on is appearances and I need something I can look at and talk to about what is on my mind all the fucking time driving me batty and insane.

And I know that feeling never came one time when I was sitting there with her for an hour.

Nothing I intended to discuss or talk about came out of my mouth. Not a thing. Nothing that I write about and I know is on my mind all the time. It was only mundane stuff that is in the back of my head sometimes.

It's not a trust thing. It's probably my own little issues that I have based upon one session and her looks.

Anyhow, this weekend I really have to start getting my act together with regards to making sure I have my shit in order before I leave for Spring Break.

I need a swimsuit.

In case, you know, I go swimming.