I Need To Write Maynard a Letter

So, I've been slightly busy with recent purchases that I've missed while embarked upon recent travels, but I'm back in the swing of things now.

Back at school again and hangin' in there with the therapy--I guess it's a pretty slow process and I'm not exactly sure what I expected.

I no longer have a crush on the boy in math class. Because he's just that--a boy. His mind continues to intrigue me, however.

I still have not found my swimsuit. I have called a couple vintage stores in town, nothing has really grabbed me as worthwhile in checking-out as of yet. I will find my suit, eventually.

Watched a Russian flick last night called Daywatch. Pretty amazing.

I wanted to read a play that we have to read for English while I was in Florida, Angels in America. But, I did not get around to doing that. It's not due for another month. But, now that I'm back in my routine at home, I'd like to try and finish it this weekend.

Tonight I am having dinner with my brother at a restaurant that recently opened down the street from us. He lives in the same apartment building as myself. While visiting my mother, she gave me an Easter card to give to him, and that is our excuse for getting together and doing something funnish.

I tried to get my other brother to join us, because I have one for him too, but he's not really into doing such things. He's a little weird. In a good way, though.

I just finished taking a bath and am listening to A Perfect Circle covering Marvin Gaye, among others. One thing that I missed terribly when in Florida was taking baths. They are so relaxing to me. I love to relax in the tub.

And just chilling out listening to music. I missed that too.

Now I just need to go and pour myself a glass of wine.

I Feel Nice

So.

I'm doing much better.

I think I've just needed to get a few things out of my system and I have recently been able to do that and I've been feeling a LOT better after doing so.

Yay!

I also bought a new sextoy yesterday.

It's pink and it's pretty.

And it feels ohhhhhh....soooooo.....goooood.

The chick at the sextoy store was hot, too. So, that worked out well.

AND...it was on SALE.

Which is why I got it.

It's so cute and fun to look at, depending on the company--if I had company--I would not even put it away.

I also bought this AWESOME sextoy cleaner spray and I WISH I had bought this stuff in the past. It's amazingly too convenient.

The girl at the sextoy store even fills your lovelilicious purchase with batteries FOR you so that when you get home, you are all ready to go.

What a service.

~ bang the gong

trying to make some sense

I get sad a lot.

I get sad a lot, because I get so disappointed all the time.

I like coffee, I like tea.
I like the boys and the boys like me.
Yes, no, maybe so. Yes, no, maybe so . . .

My New Therapist

It's almost three o'clock in the morning and I cannot sleep.

I started therapy on Wednesday and one of the things my new therapist asked of me was how I sleep. I've recently been sleeping slightly better, so I told her fine. I told her that I do not sleep well, but I was probably getting about six hours a night. I told her that I wake-up a lot though.

Now, I've been an insomniac since I was sixteen years old. Probably younger than that. But, it was at that age that I really realized there was something wrong with the way that I slept.

But, because I had a good week, I chose to lie to my therapist so that I wouldn't jinx it.

How is therapy going to work, if I am lying to my therapist about my sleeping patterns? It's completely ridiculous.

I am going to the free therapy at school.

This means that the therapist is an intern. She is a grad student.

She is younger than me and I think she is a lesbian. She is a tiny little girl with very short blond hair, a funny nose and glasses.

I don't think I'm going to be able to tell her anything I need to tell her about my thoughts.

But, I suppose free crappy therapy is better than no therapy at all.

So, I'm stickin' with it.

I mean, I know it's not supposed to be easy. But, I wanted a man therapist. An older man, maybe around fifty or so. Someone I could talk to about MEN.

And I get someone who I would bet money on her being a lesbian.

And I am not a betting kind of girl.

So, instead of me talking to her about a million things that have been bothering me with regards to the ending of my last relationship and the things I found myself doing while in it....I talked to her about stuff that I'm actually sort of okay with. I mean, not totally. But, just stuff that is NOT the things that are taking up all the time in my head and making me crazy.

I mean, seeing her is definitely not going to hurt things and will help some other things. But, it will NOT help me to fix the things that I really need to fix, cos I know I'll never talk to her about them.

I mean, at first, I thought it went really good, cos I felt great because I had ACTUALLY went and did this thing. This thing I've been saying I'm going to do for ages and ages and have not done and was so proud of myself and now it's been a couple days and the euphoric pride has worn away and I'm realizing that I am not sure I can ever talk to this poor girl.

I'm not giving up hope, however. I mean, I may have just thrown her for a big ol' loop when I first sat down with her and when she goes back to think about how to approach me maybe she'll be different. I don't know.

But, I know that if she isn't the type to say too much, then all I am going to have to go on is appearances and I need something I can look at and talk to about what is on my mind all the fucking time driving me batty and insane.

And I know that feeling never came one time when I was sitting there with her for an hour.

Nothing I intended to discuss or talk about came out of my mouth. Not a thing. Nothing that I write about and I know is on my mind all the time. It was only mundane stuff that is in the back of my head sometimes.

It's not a trust thing. It's probably my own little issues that I have based upon one session and her looks.

Anyhow, this weekend I really have to start getting my act together with regards to making sure I have my shit in order before I leave for Spring Break.

I need a swimsuit.

In case, you know, I go swimming.

Nakedness

One thing that is cool about this blog, is that no one reads it.

It is like when I FIRST started to blog about two-and-a-half years ago.

No one read. I said whatever the FUCK I wanted to. And it didn't matter. It was the best feeling in the whole wide world, and it was what kept my blog going.

Here, I can do that again.

No one is ever going to read this, it seems like. So, I can say ANYTHING I damn well please.

However, tonight I don't have much to say. It's three o'clock in the morning and my radiator is keeping me up.

Not that it takes much to keep me up. I'd more than likely be up anyway.

I think I will turn my radiator off now, though. It's getting hot in here.

So, I've taken off all my clothes.


~Bang the Gong

Wellness and Shiny Black Nail Lacquer

Well, I have my math final tomorrow. I should do pretty well. It's a combo-class. That's why it's a final, as opposed to a mid-term.

I was supposed to help Hoot study, but she has the flu. She was chugging Robotussin straight from the bottle during class today. Hopefully she's able to remember some of what we went over. As opposed to like the imaginary numbers we were discussing becoming a part of her Tussin trip.

I have a small crush on one of the dudes from my math class. But, I found out today he's from the suburbs. I mean, not just from the suburbs, but he's a commuter. Not a far suburb. He can still take the Blue Line. But, the suburbs nonetheless. I'm pretty picky. But, there's lots of reasons he's just a crush. This is merely one of them. He's originally from Wisconsin. Yet, another reason. What is strange is that this is the second friend I've made this semester who hails from the dairy capital. Odd. (I seriously don't care where people are from....I am just trying to find reasons not to like him, cos he's a LOT younger than me. Which is THE reason. This is Windy humour. That is all. I grew-up in the 'burbs.)

I had an eyebrow appointment today. They're looking pretty stupendous. But, I won't get back in there until after Spring Break. I'm actually going to be in Florida for the first time in my life during Spring Break this year. I mean, I've been to Florida a few times before....just never during Spring Break. I leave on St. Patty's Day and get back on Easter.

I want to try and find a vintage 50's swimsuit to wear while I'm there. There's a store here that I LOVE that usually carries really unique pieces and I may try there. Polka-dots would be cool too. But, I'm not going to get my hopes up.

Black or red would be even cooler. But, again... I can probably just keep dreaming.

And I need to get my lawn mown. There's a new place that opened up down the street from me that is entirely cute and totally devoted to mowing a chick's lawn. I've been in there once, but only to get me some Tend Skin. Which is a wonder product, I must say.

Tomorrow I have my first appointment at the 'Wellness Center' at school at three p.m. I'm making an attempt to ensure that I don't go completely crazy. I figure it's probably best to keep my craziness level about where it's proceeded to go thus far, and not allow it to get too carried away with my mind. We'll see how it goes.

I also intend to get a manicure afterwards. I have this colour that I've been dying to do that I haven't done yet. It's called, 'Patent Leather.' It's fucking stellar.

And my toes are Cherry Red right now and it will be a nice contrast.

I watched this movie called the Mothman Prophecies tonight. Freaky, FREAKY shit. It's makin' me start thinking about a lot of stuff, cos I believe in all sorts of weird shit, and this movie is based upon real events. I sort of now want to look into the real events that this movie is based upon.

I need a new DVD player. This is because I bought my last DVD player at the Family Dollar for twenty dollars. I've had it for three months and now it will only play discs that are in tip-top condition. I rent movies and half of the ones I get won't play on my player. It sucks ass. So, a DVD player is on the top of my list. It plays new discs and burned discs. I don't know. I didn't think the Moth was gonna fly....but it did.

I have yogurt sitting here I need to eat.


~ bang the gong

Are you hanging on the edge of your seat?

I'm SO ready for this.

~ bang that gong

The First Step

I'm admitting something to myself today.

I think my ex lied to me the whole time I was with him. Like, pathological-style.

I'm also admitting that I think a part of me knew that the whole time and did not WANT to admit that I knew it because I was having some sort of fun, although exactly what kind of fun I was having I'm not sure. Cos it sure as Hell wasn't sexual. I think it was much more of some weird mental thing we had going on.

Anyhow, I'm admitting this to myself today so that I can just get him out of my head despite all of his unexplicable, (how the fuck do you spell unexplicable?) actions so that I won't let them bother me any longer.

I think it is the first step in my trying to achieve that non-bothered state.

I think he is one of those people who just doesn't know what he wants. I think he is one of those people with a very dual personality. And though, I truly believe that most humans have a sort of dual side thing goin' on....I just think he suffers from it in a way that is more hurtful to him than most. And therefore hurtful to others.

Anyhow, I have chosen to make my main blog private. I will probably switch my MySpace over to private as well. Even though I don't really use MySpace all that much. I think it is just a safer and wiser choice on my part. At least for now.

Still though, I don't like having it private. Which is why I am posting this here. Because first of all...private is a pain in my fucking ass. Second of all, what's the goddamned point? I don't get it. Know one who knows me is even welcome to read the thing in the first fucking place.

I don't want to keep it that way forever. But, it will be like that for quite awhile, I'm sure. For at least six months. I will probably un-privatize it, let's see today is March the 2nd.....so September 2nd. Let's see if I can go that long. That gives me awhile to get going with something at this blog and get into the groove of things here. It's been a difficult transition for me.

It really has.

It hasn't been easy in the least.

I called up the counseling center at my school today, so that I can make an appointment. There is apparently no one there on Sundays though, so I just left a message. I'm hoping to start something up on Wednesday after classes.

It's been really hard. I mean, I don't understand the concept of breaking up with someone and then reading their blog all the fucking time when you know they want you to stop. I knew he was sick and twisted when we started dating, it was why I liked him. But, I didn't think that he would be like THIS. I really didn't. I also knew he had mental problems because he told me about them and he showed me all the meds he's on. So, it's my own fault for getting involved in such a thing in the first fucking place.

Anyhow, so that is one of the things on my mind today. But, writing about it will get it out of there, which is the main reason why I blog to start with. I haven't been able to discuss my feelings openly on my other blog, though I have somewhat and not always completely directly in recent months. Because I knew he was there. Even when I didn't want to admit he was there, I knew he was there. It affects the content of my posts. Which defeats the entire purpose for me in posting whatsoever.

So, THIS.... feels DAMN fucking good.

On to other things.

I spent the day yesterday with my friend, Hoot. Hoot is hot. We are in math class together and she has been needing a little jump-start with some of the concepts, and I am more than happy to help her out in that department. We get along really well and have a great time.

I also got an application for a place I've been wanting to check-out for getting a job. However, all I got was an application, now I just need the motivation to arrive to actually fill it out and bring it in. We'll see what happens.

I did some light shopping as well. I got some Marine buttons to put on my Marine coat. It's a vintage Marine dress coat from the late sixties. It was my Dad's during Vietnam. I've worn it for many, MANY years. And things at the Military supply store are quite cheap, so I bought three other buttons there as well. But, only two are Marine Corps and those are the only two I put on my jacket. One pin is vintage Air Force design of a naked chick spread eagle over a rocket bomb. I have to figure out where I'm going to put that one because my backpack is already filled with buttons. I don't think there's room for anymore and for it to still look cool. You can't OVERDUE the buttons. Even though I do have a lot on there. Maybe I do have too many.... I should re-evaluate my backpack's button status. Hmmm.

I also bought a tee-shirt with a gas mask on it, the gas mask is surrounded by roses. This was from a different store, however.

And I deleted DW#1's number from my phone. More for symbolic reasons upon my mental state than anything else.

I bought a cheap PVC purse from Strange Cargo with a snake on it.

And I ate Subway.

I fucking love me some Subway.

For anyone who reads my old blog....that OF COURSE...is review for you.


~Bang the Gong.