The First Step

I'm admitting something to myself today.

I think my ex lied to me the whole time I was with him. Like, pathological-style.

I'm also admitting that I think a part of me knew that the whole time and did not WANT to admit that I knew it because I was having some sort of fun, although exactly what kind of fun I was having I'm not sure. Cos it sure as Hell wasn't sexual. I think it was much more of some weird mental thing we had going on.

Anyhow, I'm admitting this to myself today so that I can just get him out of my head despite all of his unexplicable, (how the fuck do you spell unexplicable?) actions so that I won't let them bother me any longer.

I think it is the first step in my trying to achieve that non-bothered state.

I think he is one of those people who just doesn't know what he wants. I think he is one of those people with a very dual personality. And though, I truly believe that most humans have a sort of dual side thing goin' on....I just think he suffers from it in a way that is more hurtful to him than most. And therefore hurtful to others.

Anyhow, I have chosen to make my main blog private. I will probably switch my MySpace over to private as well. Even though I don't really use MySpace all that much. I think it is just a safer and wiser choice on my part. At least for now.

Still though, I don't like having it private. Which is why I am posting this here. Because first of all...private is a pain in my fucking ass. Second of all, what's the goddamned point? I don't get it. Know one who knows me is even welcome to read the thing in the first fucking place.

I don't want to keep it that way forever. But, it will be like that for quite awhile, I'm sure. For at least six months. I will probably un-privatize it, let's see today is March the 2nd.....so September 2nd. Let's see if I can go that long. That gives me awhile to get going with something at this blog and get into the groove of things here. It's been a difficult transition for me.

It really has.

It hasn't been easy in the least.

I called up the counseling center at my school today, so that I can make an appointment. There is apparently no one there on Sundays though, so I just left a message. I'm hoping to start something up on Wednesday after classes.

It's been really hard. I mean, I don't understand the concept of breaking up with someone and then reading their blog all the fucking time when you know they want you to stop. I knew he was sick and twisted when we started dating, it was why I liked him. But, I didn't think that he would be like THIS. I really didn't. I also knew he had mental problems because he told me about them and he showed me all the meds he's on. So, it's my own fault for getting involved in such a thing in the first fucking place.

Anyhow, so that is one of the things on my mind today. But, writing about it will get it out of there, which is the main reason why I blog to start with. I haven't been able to discuss my feelings openly on my other blog, though I have somewhat and not always completely directly in recent months. Because I knew he was there. Even when I didn't want to admit he was there, I knew he was there. It affects the content of my posts. Which defeats the entire purpose for me in posting whatsoever.

So, THIS.... feels DAMN fucking good.

On to other things.

I spent the day yesterday with my friend, Hoot. Hoot is hot. We are in math class together and she has been needing a little jump-start with some of the concepts, and I am more than happy to help her out in that department. We get along really well and have a great time.

I also got an application for a place I've been wanting to check-out for getting a job. However, all I got was an application, now I just need the motivation to arrive to actually fill it out and bring it in. We'll see what happens.

I did some light shopping as well. I got some Marine buttons to put on my Marine coat. It's a vintage Marine dress coat from the late sixties. It was my Dad's during Vietnam. I've worn it for many, MANY years. And things at the Military supply store are quite cheap, so I bought three other buttons there as well. But, only two are Marine Corps and those are the only two I put on my jacket. One pin is vintage Air Force design of a naked chick spread eagle over a rocket bomb. I have to figure out where I'm going to put that one because my backpack is already filled with buttons. I don't think there's room for anymore and for it to still look cool. You can't OVERDUE the buttons. Even though I do have a lot on there. Maybe I do have too many.... I should re-evaluate my backpack's button status. Hmmm.

I also bought a tee-shirt with a gas mask on it, the gas mask is surrounded by roses. This was from a different store, however.

And I deleted DW#1's number from my phone. More for symbolic reasons upon my mental state than anything else.

I bought a cheap PVC purse from Strange Cargo with a snake on it.

And I ate Subway.

I fucking love me some Subway.

For anyone who reads my old blog....that OF COURSE...is review for you.


~Bang the Gong.