I am Anti-Social and Depressed and I Don't Know How to Learn to Not Be Those Things

I have had a week from Hell.

I went to my brother's show on Friday night where I had to talk to people that I really would prefer not to talk with any longer.

I had to act cordial and fake and like I cared.

I just wanted to stand there with my drink and leave when he was through.

I was mostly able to do that except for one asshole.

I don't always think he's an asshole. But, in recent months I have been getting to know him again and I am beginning to realize that he is, indeed, an asshole. He is what I like to call a 'justifier.' Instead of explaining his actions or apologizing for them, he 'justifies' them. He defends himself instead of trying to understand what the consequences of his actions might entail.

Because, after all, it is ACTIONS that speak louder than words. So, he can 'justify' as much as he'd like, but it's his actions that will only ever make him into a person that I actually care to speak with at my brother's events. And, unfortunately, I can rarely attend one of these things without him being there.

And I did NOT go up to him or look at him or anything. He is the one that decided to sway on over to me while I was at the bar getting a drink. He swayed on over to me with my ex-boyfriend's step-father next to him, so I really had to be nice then. I think it was an asshole cowardly move that takes absolutely no balls. So, then after I was nice the first time, I like felt sort of obligated to be nice to him after that and I don't know why. So, I sat there listening to him spewing forth some bullshit and when I left later without saying good-bye I get some drunkass text asking where I was with him saying crap that right after he said it he said I should forget it which is the kind of stuff that got us to not really being very good friends any longer in the first place.

But, whatever.

It's not like he takes any initiative to try and apologize outside of seeing me at my brother's shows. I think he's a coward.

But, whatever.

I've known him for twenty years.

I'm sure I'll know him for twenty more.

And I can say this with absolute certainty, even the valedictorian in high school does stupid ass shit simply because he's a fucking guy.

And guys do way kinds of stupid shit all the fucking time.

Which is fine.

Cos girls do too.

But most guys, (and I do mean that MOST--meaning NOT ALL) will not own up to the stupid shit they do. I own up to my stupid shit relatively quickly. Depending on the stupid shit.

And it's not an easy thing to do.

I haven't always been this way. But in the last decade or so I've grown up.

I guess we all grow up at our own pace.


And then today.

Today I quit therapy with the SECOND of the intern therapists that I have tried there. And I'm not going back.

I don't think that going to see the free therapist interns at my school is something that is going to be good for me.

My school does not have the best of facilities and today we had to meet in a different office.

The 'office' was located in the same section of offices as my English Professor.

And I don't like my personal life being noted-upon by my professors. And this is the second time we have had to meet in this room. It really bothers me.

And also, the new intern therapist I have....she always asks me the same questions.

And I keep giving her the same answers.

And it is simply ridiculous.

'What makes you happy?'

'I don't know what makes me happy.'

That is a very short version of the conversation.

But, it pretty much goes in circles.

Last week this was what she had decided.

That if I went and got the application at the sextoy store I wanted to work at that I could reward myself by going out for sushi.

Number One: I can't afford sushi right now. So, it wasn't happening anyway and I tried to explain this to her. But, I couldn't think of anything else that I like to do when she asked me what I like to do.

Number Two: It's not getting the application that is difficult for me. I have a PILE of applications. It is filling them out and bringing them in. It is not even the JOB OFFERS that are hard for me. I have many opportunities that pop-up all the time as the restaurant industry here is rather incestuous. The problem is banking in on one of these opportunities. I tried to explain this to her too. So, basically I was going to spend money on sushi by asking for an application I was going to ask for anyway the next time I bought lube to reward myself for adding another piece of paper to my pile. I told her this. I told her I thought it was ridiculous. But, she insisted that it might work. So, okay. So, I went to the store, bought my lube. Asked for an app. They are over-staffed and not hiring. Understandable. So, no sushi for me, which I would not have gotten anyway cos I simply don't have the money to do it after BUYING MY LOLLAPOLLOOZA TICKET. Yes, that was what I bought.

I don't know what to say to her anymore when she asks what makes me happy. It makes me cry when she asks me that. It makes me cry in the sideroom of the office in the same room as my English Professor and I am not going back.

It's SO retarded.

I need therapy that I cannot afford and don't know when I will be able to afford such a thing.

Cos this ain't it.

And going to my brother's shows causes me more stress and emotional problems than it does him for me not to be there for him and see his band despite how much I know it means to him that I go.

What would make me happy?

If boys I didn't want to speak to were not at my brother's shows. If my ex-boyfriend's stepfather didn't stare at me lasciviously whenever I WAS standing by myself simply because I had on cute heels and looked nice. (I get a look. A look. ONE look. Look. Admire. Stop looking. How hard is that?) Actually, my ex-boyfriend is really nice to me lately when I've been going to the shows. He's always been that. Nice.

See why I don't know what makes me happy? Nice guys do nothing for me. I don't want to talk to assholes at all. I don't like being stared at.

So, what? Wearing high heels alone in the privacy of no one's eyes would make me happy? I don't get how I am supposed to know what makes me happy?

I don't know how to answer her questions.

Because most days I just make my way through them until they are over, passing the time.

Just passing the time does not make me happy.

Yet I have not motivation to even bring back an application.

So, WHERE in that am I supposed to find the answer to her question each week when she asks me what makes me happy?

I am NOT going to continue to see her trying to answer a question that I don't know the answer to, OTHERWISE I WOULDN'T BE THERE, in an office situated next to my English Professor who made us talk about child abuse in class today, so I had to sit there an listen to crap from people who haven't a clue what child abuse is.

Except for maybe the one other kid who is as quiet as me.

So, I quit therapy and had an awful week and an awful day and I just want to pretend like none of it happened.

You know how I know I'm really in a bad place. I don't even feel like doing my math homework right now.

Yeah. I'm that pissed and upset and hurt and mad that I had to have therapy in that room again.

I am so glad I quit.

Cos I can't do it anymore.

I want to have a therapist who helps me learn how to talk about things better.

I want to have a therapist who is older than me.

And I want a therapist where we are in a room that is not a room at my school. I want them to be two separate worlds.

But, I can't afford that. So, right now I am better off with no therapy than crappy therapy.

I know these two girls tried. I know they did. I just don't think they know what to do with me.

That's okay. Cos I don't know what to do with me either.

I don't know if anyone ever will.

Not even me.